"Jack" was an ideal lay minister. He was a physician, so he had learned the importance of compassion and listening over lecturing. He read theology and he practiced spiritual disciplines. I could always hear echoes of the Holy Spirit in his counsel. No on in the congregation -- including Jack -- could remember all he'd done over the years for that congregation. Jack was the embodiment of what the Reformers meant when they talk about "the priesthood of all believers".
Jack, of course, wasn't ordained. But he stood beside me in more than one ministry foxhole over my years in that congregation. When I introduced a change in the congregation -- one that had become necessary in order for the church to continue its ministry in the community -- Jack was right there with me when that change caused conflict.
There was only one thing Jack asked for in exchange for all his work in the congregation. Jack wanted to be friends.
When the time came for me to leave that congregation for another ministry in another place, Jack was devastated. He was hurt that I hadn't included him in my discernment process and that I could so easily abandon him and our friendship after all that time together. "Friends don't treat one another like that", he said to me. And he was right.
Except for one thing: I wasn't Jack's friend. I was his pastor.
For these past 22 years of ministry, the question of befriending parishioners is one I've personally struggled with -- and one I've helped other clergy to attempt to answer in their own lives and ministries.
Clergy, we're taught in seminary, absolutely must maintain healthy friendships outside the church. I've taught that to my own students. I've mentored candidates for ordination to develop healthy boundaries. I've lamented when I see clergy who don't follow that wisdom. And I've been furious -- even quite recently -- when pastors transgress these boundaries to the detriment of parishioners' spiritual lives.
I get that mutuality is essential for ministry in any particular place. But all this actually comes down to math: If you're spending time in the parish actually doing ministry, you don't have the time necessary to maintain friendships inside the congregation.
Some pastors, of course, tell themselves that that math problem is easily solved if one looks for friendships inside the church, in the very place where they live and work.
After a hospital visit, when you're hearing a confession or a parishioner shares the weights of their heart, it's easy to believe that you can cross the boundary between pastor and friend. After all, you become deeply invested in another's anxieties. So you have lunches together. And it all, eventually, begins to sound like friendship.
But it's not.
When I knelt to receive the laying on of hands before I was ordained, the bishop and other clergy who were laying those hands on me were also being led by the Holy Spirit to push me away from them. They were essentially saying, "We are setting you apart to serve these people. So you can't be just one of the gang anymore. Now you have to love the church enough to no longer expect mutuality". It wasn't long after I stood up from the ordination prayer that I discovered this. But sometimes folks have a hard time understanding this.
And there are disastrous spiritual consequences.
In fact, over the years, I've taught other clergy candidates and students that to transgress these boundaries between pastor and friend is at its heart an imbalance of power that corrupts one's ability to function as Christ's representative of the Church.
A pastor's responsibilities are pretty clear: The pastor offers the congregation's laments and doxology to God and proclaims God's holy word to the congregation. Friendships have little to do with this. Should God call the pastor to go to another place, it's asking too much of the congregation to expect them to discern this with the pastor.
Ordination costs clergy. And one of those great costs is that of distinguishing what we call in counseling theory "dual relationships". Dual relationships exist where professionals provide effective services that arc in the best interests of the client. A boundary violation occurs when a professional seeks to satisfy his/her own needs rather than the client's needs. To prevent boundary violations, codes of conduct limit the interactions between the professional and the client to the helping relationship. Engaging in any activity with a client outside the helping relationship is engaging in a dual relationship. Mental health professionals avoid developing friendships with clients, socializing with clients, engaging in business transactions with clients, or becoming sexually involved with current or former clients. Any of these activities may be exploitative of the client through the (mis)use of the professional's influence or power. While it's not always possible to avoid dual relationships, professionals hear full responsibility for any real or perceived abuse of power.
Church members will bring to their parish priest their spiritual problems, relational issues and moral concerns. Parishioners will interact with this same priest in parish fund-raising, community projects, confession, the baptism of children and parochial events.
This makes friendships with parishioners particularly rife for misinterpretation. This is why priests/pastors should make every effort to distinguish between friends and parishioners.
As a physician, Jack had a similar challenge when he diagnosed me with a condition that required minor surgery. He didn't ask me to help him discern the best course of action, and he knew that the truly loving act was to say necessary things that I didn't want to hear. That's because his ethical responsibility was to treat me not as a friend but as a patient. That makes perfect sense to him and to me. But he was confused when I treated him as a parishioner.
Pastors who aren't careful to make those distinctions, it doesn't take a lot to see, engage in pastoral misconduct. Be as friendly as you can, but your ministry in a congregation won't last long if you don't maintain friendships that have nothing to do with that parish and its ministry.
Modern clergy mostly don't believe that the kinds of power imbalance that occur when we befriend congregants have deadly spiritual consequences. That's because most modern clergy don't believe that our practice of ministry has any real consequence in real lives. But to put the matter simply: That's hokum.
All this has come to my mind because I've seen it yet again. I've witnessed as a clergy person's "friendship" with a parishioner has both crossed boundaries and had disastrous spiritual consequence. That consequence is often (always?) unintended, but it's real nonetheless. So, please, dear clergy person, maintain those healthy boundaries. By all means, be friendly, but never friends, with your congregants.
Jack, of course, wasn't ordained. But he stood beside me in more than one ministry foxhole over my years in that congregation. When I introduced a change in the congregation -- one that had become necessary in order for the church to continue its ministry in the community -- Jack was right there with me when that change caused conflict.
There was only one thing Jack asked for in exchange for all his work in the congregation. Jack wanted to be friends.
When the time came for me to leave that congregation for another ministry in another place, Jack was devastated. He was hurt that I hadn't included him in my discernment process and that I could so easily abandon him and our friendship after all that time together. "Friends don't treat one another like that", he said to me. And he was right.
Except for one thing: I wasn't Jack's friend. I was his pastor.
For these past 22 years of ministry, the question of befriending parishioners is one I've personally struggled with -- and one I've helped other clergy to attempt to answer in their own lives and ministries.
Clergy, we're taught in seminary, absolutely must maintain healthy friendships outside the church. I've taught that to my own students. I've mentored candidates for ordination to develop healthy boundaries. I've lamented when I see clergy who don't follow that wisdom. And I've been furious -- even quite recently -- when pastors transgress these boundaries to the detriment of parishioners' spiritual lives.
I get that mutuality is essential for ministry in any particular place. But all this actually comes down to math: If you're spending time in the parish actually doing ministry, you don't have the time necessary to maintain friendships inside the congregation.
Some pastors, of course, tell themselves that that math problem is easily solved if one looks for friendships inside the church, in the very place where they live and work.
After a hospital visit, when you're hearing a confession or a parishioner shares the weights of their heart, it's easy to believe that you can cross the boundary between pastor and friend. After all, you become deeply invested in another's anxieties. So you have lunches together. And it all, eventually, begins to sound like friendship.
But it's not.
When I knelt to receive the laying on of hands before I was ordained, the bishop and other clergy who were laying those hands on me were also being led by the Holy Spirit to push me away from them. They were essentially saying, "We are setting you apart to serve these people. So you can't be just one of the gang anymore. Now you have to love the church enough to no longer expect mutuality". It wasn't long after I stood up from the ordination prayer that I discovered this. But sometimes folks have a hard time understanding this.
And there are disastrous spiritual consequences.
In fact, over the years, I've taught other clergy candidates and students that to transgress these boundaries between pastor and friend is at its heart an imbalance of power that corrupts one's ability to function as Christ's representative of the Church.
A pastor's responsibilities are pretty clear: The pastor offers the congregation's laments and doxology to God and proclaims God's holy word to the congregation. Friendships have little to do with this. Should God call the pastor to go to another place, it's asking too much of the congregation to expect them to discern this with the pastor.
Ordination costs clergy. And one of those great costs is that of distinguishing what we call in counseling theory "dual relationships". Dual relationships exist where professionals provide effective services that arc in the best interests of the client. A boundary violation occurs when a professional seeks to satisfy his/her own needs rather than the client's needs. To prevent boundary violations, codes of conduct limit the interactions between the professional and the client to the helping relationship. Engaging in any activity with a client outside the helping relationship is engaging in a dual relationship. Mental health professionals avoid developing friendships with clients, socializing with clients, engaging in business transactions with clients, or becoming sexually involved with current or former clients. Any of these activities may be exploitative of the client through the (mis)use of the professional's influence or power. While it's not always possible to avoid dual relationships, professionals hear full responsibility for any real or perceived abuse of power.
Church members will bring to their parish priest their spiritual problems, relational issues and moral concerns. Parishioners will interact with this same priest in parish fund-raising, community projects, confession, the baptism of children and parochial events.
This makes friendships with parishioners particularly rife for misinterpretation. This is why priests/pastors should make every effort to distinguish between friends and parishioners.
As a physician, Jack had a similar challenge when he diagnosed me with a condition that required minor surgery. He didn't ask me to help him discern the best course of action, and he knew that the truly loving act was to say necessary things that I didn't want to hear. That's because his ethical responsibility was to treat me not as a friend but as a patient. That makes perfect sense to him and to me. But he was confused when I treated him as a parishioner.
Pastors who aren't careful to make those distinctions, it doesn't take a lot to see, engage in pastoral misconduct. Be as friendly as you can, but your ministry in a congregation won't last long if you don't maintain friendships that have nothing to do with that parish and its ministry.
Modern clergy mostly don't believe that the kinds of power imbalance that occur when we befriend congregants have deadly spiritual consequences. That's because most modern clergy don't believe that our practice of ministry has any real consequence in real lives. But to put the matter simply: That's hokum.
All this has come to my mind because I've seen it yet again. I've witnessed as a clergy person's "friendship" with a parishioner has both crossed boundaries and had disastrous spiritual consequence. That consequence is often (always?) unintended, but it's real nonetheless. So, please, dear clergy person, maintain those healthy boundaries. By all means, be friendly, but never friends, with your congregants.