Dear clergy:
Don't be a divorce pusher.
By that I mean: Whatever your congregant is going through, don't add to the mess by putting your stamp of approval on the situation, on one person's perspective, and therefore recommend divorce.
I shouldn't have to say this. But I do.
Recently, I encountered a clergy person who offered someone to help obtain a divorce lawyer. Without ever having contact with the other person in the marriage in question.
Don't do that.
Really. Stop it.
Divorce does not exist for you to encourage.
Yes, you want to encourage your congregant. Encourage that person to pray. Encourage them to find creative and healthy ways to make wise decisions and handle conflict. At first, unless the situation involves abuse of some variety, clergy should be "marriage-friendly" counsel. Anything less is spiritual malpractice of clergy responsibility. In case you aren't sure, please reread Gregory the Great's Pastoral Care. Or Richard Baxter's The Reformed Pastor. Or even this general survey of pastoral wisdom to the Reformation.
But no matter how tempted you are to help your parishioner find a quick peace or relief, don't encourage divorce. Don't demonstrate a favoritism toward one party over the other.
Doing so demonstrates one clear thing: You aren't trying to help this couple discern what restorative work God might be doing in their life together. If you're saying things like "he's not good enough for you", you're a divorce pusher. It's that simple.
I'm not saying that you encourage violence. Or encourage a person to be a door mat. But it isn't up to you, as a person responsible for pastoral care and counseling, to push toward divorce. Protect them? Yes. Lay down healthy boundaries? Yes. Even encourage them not to tolerate infidelity. But divorce? That's something God has a say in -- and even then, it's the end of a long process of confession and reconciliation. If you're doing anything less, you're violating pastoral boundaries, you're committing pastoral malpractice, and you're violating your ordination vows.
Which is another way of saying: A pastor who is a divorce pusher should not continue as a pastor.
It's that simple.
So don't do it.
If, however, you have already engaged in those behaviors in the context of a marriage, withdraw yourself entirely from the context of that marriage. Make sure the couple has alternate pastoral care. But you cannot be it. In any capacity. Because you have already compromised your office to such an extent that being pastor or even friend to either party is practically impossible.
Let's be honest here about a delusion that makes it way around clergy: Pastors cannot be friends with parishioners. Friendly, yes. But not friends. That crosses boundaries and compromises your ability to function as a pastor when situations like this arise. So if you've struck up a friendship with either party in a marriage, you've already compromised your ability to offer care. And when your friendship -- coupled with what may be your predilections about marriage and divorce -- becomes the grounds that grant you spiritual permission to push toward divorce, you've doubly compromised your ability to offer care. You're bordering on what might be perceived as pastoral misconduct. That jeopardizes your ministry as a whole.
So, please, for the love of all that is sacred and sacramental in Christian marriage, don't be a divorce pusher.
Sincerely,
The Little Friar
Don't be a divorce pusher.
By that I mean: Whatever your congregant is going through, don't add to the mess by putting your stamp of approval on the situation, on one person's perspective, and therefore recommend divorce.
I shouldn't have to say this. But I do.
Recently, I encountered a clergy person who offered someone to help obtain a divorce lawyer. Without ever having contact with the other person in the marriage in question.
Don't do that.
Really. Stop it.
Divorce does not exist for you to encourage.
Yes, you want to encourage your congregant. Encourage that person to pray. Encourage them to find creative and healthy ways to make wise decisions and handle conflict. At first, unless the situation involves abuse of some variety, clergy should be "marriage-friendly" counsel. Anything less is spiritual malpractice of clergy responsibility. In case you aren't sure, please reread Gregory the Great's Pastoral Care. Or Richard Baxter's The Reformed Pastor. Or even this general survey of pastoral wisdom to the Reformation.
But no matter how tempted you are to help your parishioner find a quick peace or relief, don't encourage divorce. Don't demonstrate a favoritism toward one party over the other.
Doing so demonstrates one clear thing: You aren't trying to help this couple discern what restorative work God might be doing in their life together. If you're saying things like "he's not good enough for you", you're a divorce pusher. It's that simple.
I'm not saying that you encourage violence. Or encourage a person to be a door mat. But it isn't up to you, as a person responsible for pastoral care and counseling, to push toward divorce. Protect them? Yes. Lay down healthy boundaries? Yes. Even encourage them not to tolerate infidelity. But divorce? That's something God has a say in -- and even then, it's the end of a long process of confession and reconciliation. If you're doing anything less, you're violating pastoral boundaries, you're committing pastoral malpractice, and you're violating your ordination vows.
Which is another way of saying: A pastor who is a divorce pusher should not continue as a pastor.
It's that simple.
So don't do it.
If, however, you have already engaged in those behaviors in the context of a marriage, withdraw yourself entirely from the context of that marriage. Make sure the couple has alternate pastoral care. But you cannot be it. In any capacity. Because you have already compromised your office to such an extent that being pastor or even friend to either party is practically impossible.
Let's be honest here about a delusion that makes it way around clergy: Pastors cannot be friends with parishioners. Friendly, yes. But not friends. That crosses boundaries and compromises your ability to function as a pastor when situations like this arise. So if you've struck up a friendship with either party in a marriage, you've already compromised your ability to offer care. And when your friendship -- coupled with what may be your predilections about marriage and divorce -- becomes the grounds that grant you spiritual permission to push toward divorce, you've doubly compromised your ability to offer care. You're bordering on what might be perceived as pastoral misconduct. That jeopardizes your ministry as a whole.
So, please, for the love of all that is sacred and sacramental in Christian marriage, don't be a divorce pusher.
Sincerely,
The Little Friar