Dear Dude:
Your wife thinks you're a bad husband. And she's right.
You can be a good guy and a bad electrician. You can be a good guy and a bad dancer.
You can be a good guy and a bad husband.
This revelation came to me this week as I sat in my hospital bed, alone in my room, waiting on yet another test result over my second cardiac episode on two weeks.
The test came and went. The results are in. There's a diagnosis and a game plan. So now it's time to address the other problem that came to me that day.
I've been a bad husband.
Now, before too many people balk at that idea, hear me out. I know I'm a nice guy. I don't cheat on my wife. Lots of us do, but I don't, therefore I'm a nice guy. I don't hit my wife, but lots of others do. Therefore, surely, I'm a nice guy. I don't do drugs and I gave up smoking and drinking a long, long time ago. Lots of other husbands can't say that. So surely I'm a nice guy. I have a job making money and can provide for our little family. Lots of other husbands don't. So surely that gets me on Santa's nice list.
I've always thought that being a nice, good guy would make one a good husband. I've since come to believe -- over the past few days -- that this simply isn't true. Here's why: That assumption is based on a certain relativisitic view of our shared dude-ness. Relative to most other dudes, I'm a good guy. So surely that has to make me a good husband, right?!?
Relativism is a funny thing. I certainly dabble in all kinds of it. But here's the thing: It's a logical fallacy. It's one I use to make myself feel better and avoid making difficult and disciplined lifestyle changes. Of the type that need to be made in order to be a good husband.
To give you an idea how this works: Marriage isn't graded on a curve. Just because millions of dudes are getting an F and you're getting a D, doesn't mean you deserve a pizza party for making your imaginary Honor Roll. D grades are crappy regardless of how many guys are doing it worse than you.
Marriage grades are strictly pass/fail. You can't get marriage "almost right", in the same way that you can't get a math problem "almost right" -- or "more right than the next guy's answer". You can't get "close" to being a good husband. You either are a good husband (which requires a daily display of strength and heroism and fortitude and courage and discipline and empathy and wisdom and knowledge and love) or you aren't.
Over recent years I've been (a lot!) too selfish and have frequently made decisions that have come at the expense of Kendra's needs and expectations. And I've done it All. The. Time. And when you do that repeatedly, as a habit -- even if it's done in the spirit of "forgetting" (which, to be honest, is probably where some of mine has been) -- then, like me, you're reinforcing feelings of mistrust that make her feel unloved, insecure, and alone.
I can hear it now: "But she can trust me not to cheat!"
Sorry, dude, but no one cares. If the basic assurance of sexual fidelity didn't start with your relationship in the beginning, and continue into the present, then your marriage would cease to be a thing. She already assumes (and continues to believe) that you're not going to bang someone else. So it's best not to expect a pat on the back for doing something you're already supposed to do. Your restraint doesn't win a husbandly award.
But your smugness -- let's just call it what it really is, your pride -- might be landing you in more trouble than you realize -- precisely because you assume you're being a "nice guy".
Starting now, I'm going to make better choices. Everything I do and say -- in short, everything I am -- is going to be done and said toward one end: Giving her all the respect, understanding, care, love, empathy she deserves. In all the ways she expects and needs those things.
Because I've been really lousy at it for a while now.
And here's the take-away: That choice is yours, too. You can decide if you want to be a good husband or a bad husband. And it has nothing to do with being a "nice guy". It has to do with all the daily choices you make.
Sincerely,
A Reformed Huband
You can be a good guy and a bad electrician. You can be a good guy and a bad dancer.
You can be a good guy and a bad husband.
This revelation came to me this week as I sat in my hospital bed, alone in my room, waiting on yet another test result over my second cardiac episode on two weeks.
The test came and went. The results are in. There's a diagnosis and a game plan. So now it's time to address the other problem that came to me that day.
I've been a bad husband.
Now, before too many people balk at that idea, hear me out. I know I'm a nice guy. I don't cheat on my wife. Lots of us do, but I don't, therefore I'm a nice guy. I don't hit my wife, but lots of others do. Therefore, surely, I'm a nice guy. I don't do drugs and I gave up smoking and drinking a long, long time ago. Lots of other husbands can't say that. So surely I'm a nice guy. I have a job making money and can provide for our little family. Lots of other husbands don't. So surely that gets me on Santa's nice list.
I've always thought that being a nice, good guy would make one a good husband. I've since come to believe -- over the past few days -- that this simply isn't true. Here's why: That assumption is based on a certain relativisitic view of our shared dude-ness. Relative to most other dudes, I'm a good guy. So surely that has to make me a good husband, right?!?
Relativism is a funny thing. I certainly dabble in all kinds of it. But here's the thing: It's a logical fallacy. It's one I use to make myself feel better and avoid making difficult and disciplined lifestyle changes. Of the type that need to be made in order to be a good husband.
To give you an idea how this works: Marriage isn't graded on a curve. Just because millions of dudes are getting an F and you're getting a D, doesn't mean you deserve a pizza party for making your imaginary Honor Roll. D grades are crappy regardless of how many guys are doing it worse than you.
Marriage grades are strictly pass/fail. You can't get marriage "almost right", in the same way that you can't get a math problem "almost right" -- or "more right than the next guy's answer". You can't get "close" to being a good husband. You either are a good husband (which requires a daily display of strength and heroism and fortitude and courage and discipline and empathy and wisdom and knowledge and love) or you aren't.
Over recent years I've been (a lot!) too selfish and have frequently made decisions that have come at the expense of Kendra's needs and expectations. And I've done it All. The. Time. And when you do that repeatedly, as a habit -- even if it's done in the spirit of "forgetting" (which, to be honest, is probably where some of mine has been) -- then, like me, you're reinforcing feelings of mistrust that make her feel unloved, insecure, and alone.
I can hear it now: "But she can trust me not to cheat!"
Sorry, dude, but no one cares. If the basic assurance of sexual fidelity didn't start with your relationship in the beginning, and continue into the present, then your marriage would cease to be a thing. She already assumes (and continues to believe) that you're not going to bang someone else. So it's best not to expect a pat on the back for doing something you're already supposed to do. Your restraint doesn't win a husbandly award.
But your smugness -- let's just call it what it really is, your pride -- might be landing you in more trouble than you realize -- precisely because you assume you're being a "nice guy".
Starting now, I'm going to make better choices. Everything I do and say -- in short, everything I am -- is going to be done and said toward one end: Giving her all the respect, understanding, care, love, empathy she deserves. In all the ways she expects and needs those things.
Because I've been really lousy at it for a while now.
And here's the take-away: That choice is yours, too. You can decide if you want to be a good husband or a bad husband. And it has nothing to do with being a "nice guy". It has to do with all the daily choices you make.
Sincerely,
A Reformed Huband