My wife Kendra cusses. A lot. And it's become an issue with some who see her as "dirty", "disgusting" or, well, you can imagine the adjectives.
Thing is, it doesn't bother me. Not in the least.
Now, I'm also a man who doesn't cuss often. I learned a long time ago that cussing usually, in my case, entails and reveals a violence that is best controlled. Not because there's something inherently wrong with the words, but because there's something wrong with the heart that utters those words toward violent ends.
I grew up in a "Christian" culture where Christians judged other Christians. A lot. And I learned to do it. I didn't know I was casting judgment, but I was. I'd hear a "bad word" and think, "They must be struggling in their relationship with God". I wasn't alone in this, either. It's the same logic that has been used against Kendra recently.
Truth be told, I had similar judgments about such things as drinking and smoking. How could one do those things and be a disciple of Jesus?*
Little did I know that I was using the wrong measure for faithful discipleship.
I'm convinced now that God doesn't give a _____ about our cussing. (You can insert your favorite word in that sentence.) Instead, I think God is concerned about the transformation of our character.
So, since I'm tired of the tirades leveled at fellow Christians because they have a "language problem", I think it's time I lay down the morality card publicly and attempt to help us think more deeply about what it means to use those words. By doing so, I hope we can free up some room on that morality card for the things that really matter. Because, if we're honest with the biblical text, maybe keeping morality scores against one another isn't all that biblical an idea to begin with.
Character, I think, is a much better metric for who's holy -- for who's moral, for what Jesus looks for and what he doesn't.
As a kid, I grew up in a "Christian" (read: Southern) culture in which some words from Paul were quoted again and again: "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths ..." And most of my childhood was spent interpreting those words through that cultural lens. "Unwholesome talk" was any four-letter-word, any phrase containing "hockey sticks", any Rated R words, and any words that my grandmother would deem "naughty".**
I have a particular memory in which, as a six year old, I discovered the word jackass in my beloved dictionary. I went around the house uttering the word jackass with a repeatedness that would border on insanity. I insisted I had to get away with saying jackass with a diabolical glee because, well, jackass is in the dictionary. (Still to this day, jackass is a word that makes me want to laugh.) While my grandmother's matronly response wasn't a jovial, she did admit that I had a point. Hence, jackass became my first cuss word.
So what actually determines whether a word is an "unwholesome word" or not? Popular culture? The FCC? The answer, I think, comes in the second half of Ephesians 4.29 (which, interestingly enough, didn't get quoted when I'd hear that quote from Paul bantered about): " ... only that which is good for building others up according to their needs".
The statement as a whole -- "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen" -- relativizes cussing (meaning black-and-white definitions aren't helpful anymore) and contextualizes Christian speech generally.
So, the test of Ephesians 4.29, if we're honest with what the text says, is this: Does using this word tear someone down or build up?
If it doesn't tear them down (because it's not a language that's meant to oppress their spirit or otherwise dehumanize or judge them), then we Christians don't need to live in a legalism which the biblical text itself doesn't impose.
Here's the thing: St Paul certainly didn't.
In Philippians 3.8 Paul says that he considers all things as "rubbish" or "garbage" or "dung" or "loss" compared to the greatness of knowing Jesus. This word in Greek (σκύβαλον/skubalon) is only used once in the New Testament. And, yup, that word is a first century cuss word. Here's its full definition:
Character formation has everything to do with Christ shaping our inward realities so that our natural impulses lead us to Christlike actions.
Which means -- and I hope everyone who reads this hears me say it as clearly as I intend to say it here -- there are some cuss words that disrupt that growth into Christ's character. I'm thinking here of words rooted in hatred, violence, discrimination, sexism. Any words that are used to "other" folks are antithetical to becoming like Christ. Anything that dehumanizes someone whether in physical or verbal violence contradicts the way of Jesus. The words that I'm pretty sure the New Testament are against are those words that dehumanize. Those words are so unfaithful that I won't even give a public example. (I'll be glad to offer examples if you come and talk to me, but I won't do it publicly because I won't engage in that kind of unchrist-like -- and therefore antichrist-like -- behavior.)
But here's the thing: So many of the other casual cuss words of our day don't fit that bill. They're simply ways of expressing who we are. (This is why the one person who cusses more than any other person I know is my former Christian ethics prof, Stan Hauerwas.)
So before I go any further, let me anticipate what I may hear in response to this post. Whenever someone cusses, it becomes clear that they're not smart enough to express their ideas without choosing their words wisely. Really? So cussing is an intelligence issue? Because I could make the argument that questioning someone's intellect fits squarely into that whole "unwholesomeness language" thing Paul said. Think Jesus here: "But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, 'Raca,' is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell" (Matthew 5.22).
This is why thinking critically about the kinds of language Paul really is foreswearing for us who follow Jesus is such a big deal. It all comes down to discernment. Which is another way of saying, there really are no hard-and-fast rules for the kinds of speech that are in and those that are out.
On the other side of things, we need to be careful to see how certain ways of communicating can become habitual (for those who may use "cuss words" at times). We should always check our motives and avoid becoming addicted to certain words that may put others off. Tone and context matters too. Poor habits can become character issues just as much as judgmentalism. Again, discernment is the key.
Hear me say this clearly: I don't agree with Stan Hauerwas that Christians should be cussers. And I'm not dismissing the Bible, either. (Clearly, words matter. Speech matters -- which is why I take everything the Bible has to say about what we say seriously.) However, cussing cannot be the main criterion by which we judge whether someone is following Jesus or not.
There are words that are "bad" and words that are "good". Knowing which is which requires a spiritual discernment.
With that said, there's also something wrong when folks feel the need to apologize to me because they've dropped whatever alphabetic bomb they've dropped mid-sentence (whether it's an f or g or s or ...). My response is always going to be: Please, please, please, be who you are as a follower of Jesus around me! Your language doesn't offend or bother me. I'd rather see Jesus in you -- the real you -- than to worry about whatever cultural taboo you think you're breaking.
And let me be clear: That response doesn't just apply to Christians, either. I'd rather be friends with people who can live into the grace of God made known in human weakness (2 Corinthians 12.8-10) than folks who worry all the time about a moral score card and whether they're being a good Pharisee or not. It's why I can refer to a friend dying of cancer as "bullshit" and not worry about what I've said. Paul considered his past life to be skubalon, cancer is skubalon too.
So, what should we Christians do in regard to cussing and character? I think it's time we're sensitive to who people really are in Christ. Sometimes skubalon is the only word that expresses the depths of our hearts. Paul got that. Jesus gets that. Maybe it's time we get that. It's time to change the morality score card from a list of dos-and-dont's to the reality of a life being shaped by God from the inside out. Character formation is at the heart of the Christian life -- not a culturally-conditioned morality checklist.
For those who want to judge my wife for her language, start with Jesus, not the FCC.
__________________
* On smoking and drinking. Certainly there are discipleship ramifications for these when not kept in check (but, even here we need to discern wisely). Here, I'm referring to the simple act ... even when done in moderation.
** This isn't a jab at being "Southern". It's a jab at those who equate "Southern" with "fundamentalistic". Because those two aren't always the same.
Thing is, it doesn't bother me. Not in the least.
Now, I'm also a man who doesn't cuss often. I learned a long time ago that cussing usually, in my case, entails and reveals a violence that is best controlled. Not because there's something inherently wrong with the words, but because there's something wrong with the heart that utters those words toward violent ends.
I grew up in a "Christian" culture where Christians judged other Christians. A lot. And I learned to do it. I didn't know I was casting judgment, but I was. I'd hear a "bad word" and think, "They must be struggling in their relationship with God". I wasn't alone in this, either. It's the same logic that has been used against Kendra recently.
Truth be told, I had similar judgments about such things as drinking and smoking. How could one do those things and be a disciple of Jesus?*
Little did I know that I was using the wrong measure for faithful discipleship.
I'm convinced now that God doesn't give a _____ about our cussing. (You can insert your favorite word in that sentence.) Instead, I think God is concerned about the transformation of our character.
So, since I'm tired of the tirades leveled at fellow Christians because they have a "language problem", I think it's time I lay down the morality card publicly and attempt to help us think more deeply about what it means to use those words. By doing so, I hope we can free up some room on that morality card for the things that really matter. Because, if we're honest with the biblical text, maybe keeping morality scores against one another isn't all that biblical an idea to begin with.
Character, I think, is a much better metric for who's holy -- for who's moral, for what Jesus looks for and what he doesn't.
As a kid, I grew up in a "Christian" (read: Southern) culture in which some words from Paul were quoted again and again: "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths ..." And most of my childhood was spent interpreting those words through that cultural lens. "Unwholesome talk" was any four-letter-word, any phrase containing "hockey sticks", any Rated R words, and any words that my grandmother would deem "naughty".**
I have a particular memory in which, as a six year old, I discovered the word jackass in my beloved dictionary. I went around the house uttering the word jackass with a repeatedness that would border on insanity. I insisted I had to get away with saying jackass with a diabolical glee because, well, jackass is in the dictionary. (Still to this day, jackass is a word that makes me want to laugh.) While my grandmother's matronly response wasn't a jovial, she did admit that I had a point. Hence, jackass became my first cuss word.
So what actually determines whether a word is an "unwholesome word" or not? Popular culture? The FCC? The answer, I think, comes in the second half of Ephesians 4.29 (which, interestingly enough, didn't get quoted when I'd hear that quote from Paul bantered about): " ... only that which is good for building others up according to their needs".
The statement as a whole -- "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen" -- relativizes cussing (meaning black-and-white definitions aren't helpful anymore) and contextualizes Christian speech generally.
So, the test of Ephesians 4.29, if we're honest with what the text says, is this: Does using this word tear someone down or build up?
If it doesn't tear them down (because it's not a language that's meant to oppress their spirit or otherwise dehumanize or judge them), then we Christians don't need to live in a legalism which the biblical text itself doesn't impose.
Here's the thing: St Paul certainly didn't.
In Philippians 3.8 Paul says that he considers all things as "rubbish" or "garbage" or "dung" or "loss" compared to the greatness of knowing Jesus. This word in Greek (σκύβαλον/skubalon) is only used once in the New Testament. And, yup, that word is a first century cuss word. Here's its full definition:
skubalon – In secular Greek this depressing word means rubbish and muck of many kinds: excrement, rotten food, bits left at a meal as not worth eating, a rotting corpse. Nastiness and decay are the constant elements of its meaning; it is a coarse, ugly, violent word implying worthlessness, uselessness, and repulsiveness ... The only NT usage is Paul's in Phil 3:8, where he says of all the natural and religious privileges which once seemed sweet and precious, and all the things he has lost since becoming a Christian, "I count (estimate, evaluate) them as (nothing but) dung." The coarse and violent word shows how completely Paul had ceased to value them [New International Dictionary of New Testament Theology, Vol. 1, p. 480, emphasis added].If the Apostle Paul (the one who wrote the sentence about "unwholesome language") was, himself, not having any problems with any cultural four-letter-words, then why do some modern Christians use that criteria to determine whether or not those who cuss are good Christians or not?
Character formation has everything to do with Christ shaping our inward realities so that our natural impulses lead us to Christlike actions.
Which means -- and I hope everyone who reads this hears me say it as clearly as I intend to say it here -- there are some cuss words that disrupt that growth into Christ's character. I'm thinking here of words rooted in hatred, violence, discrimination, sexism. Any words that are used to "other" folks are antithetical to becoming like Christ. Anything that dehumanizes someone whether in physical or verbal violence contradicts the way of Jesus. The words that I'm pretty sure the New Testament are against are those words that dehumanize. Those words are so unfaithful that I won't even give a public example. (I'll be glad to offer examples if you come and talk to me, but I won't do it publicly because I won't engage in that kind of unchrist-like -- and therefore antichrist-like -- behavior.)
But here's the thing: So many of the other casual cuss words of our day don't fit that bill. They're simply ways of expressing who we are. (This is why the one person who cusses more than any other person I know is my former Christian ethics prof, Stan Hauerwas.)
So before I go any further, let me anticipate what I may hear in response to this post. Whenever someone cusses, it becomes clear that they're not smart enough to express their ideas without choosing their words wisely. Really? So cussing is an intelligence issue? Because I could make the argument that questioning someone's intellect fits squarely into that whole "unwholesomeness language" thing Paul said. Think Jesus here: "But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, 'Raca,' is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell" (Matthew 5.22).
This is why thinking critically about the kinds of language Paul really is foreswearing for us who follow Jesus is such a big deal. It all comes down to discernment. Which is another way of saying, there really are no hard-and-fast rules for the kinds of speech that are in and those that are out.
On the other side of things, we need to be careful to see how certain ways of communicating can become habitual (for those who may use "cuss words" at times). We should always check our motives and avoid becoming addicted to certain words that may put others off. Tone and context matters too. Poor habits can become character issues just as much as judgmentalism. Again, discernment is the key.
Hear me say this clearly: I don't agree with Stan Hauerwas that Christians should be cussers. And I'm not dismissing the Bible, either. (Clearly, words matter. Speech matters -- which is why I take everything the Bible has to say about what we say seriously.) However, cussing cannot be the main criterion by which we judge whether someone is following Jesus or not.
There are words that are "bad" and words that are "good". Knowing which is which requires a spiritual discernment.
With that said, there's also something wrong when folks feel the need to apologize to me because they've dropped whatever alphabetic bomb they've dropped mid-sentence (whether it's an f or g or s or ...). My response is always going to be: Please, please, please, be who you are as a follower of Jesus around me! Your language doesn't offend or bother me. I'd rather see Jesus in you -- the real you -- than to worry about whatever cultural taboo you think you're breaking.
And let me be clear: That response doesn't just apply to Christians, either. I'd rather be friends with people who can live into the grace of God made known in human weakness (2 Corinthians 12.8-10) than folks who worry all the time about a moral score card and whether they're being a good Pharisee or not. It's why I can refer to a friend dying of cancer as "bullshit" and not worry about what I've said. Paul considered his past life to be skubalon, cancer is skubalon too.
So, what should we Christians do in regard to cussing and character? I think it's time we're sensitive to who people really are in Christ. Sometimes skubalon is the only word that expresses the depths of our hearts. Paul got that. Jesus gets that. Maybe it's time we get that. It's time to change the morality score card from a list of dos-and-dont's to the reality of a life being shaped by God from the inside out. Character formation is at the heart of the Christian life -- not a culturally-conditioned morality checklist.
For those who want to judge my wife for her language, start with Jesus, not the FCC.
__________________
* On smoking and drinking. Certainly there are discipleship ramifications for these when not kept in check (but, even here we need to discern wisely). Here, I'm referring to the simple act ... even when done in moderation.
** This isn't a jab at being "Southern". It's a jab at those who equate "Southern" with "fundamentalistic". Because those two aren't always the same.