I'm a Christian.
That probably isn't a well-kept secret.
I probably should more accurately say that I'm still a Christian.
I say that with all the humility I know. It's a confession I make with all kinds of mental and spiritual exhaustion. In fact, sometimes I'm even begrudgingly making that confession. Sometimes I'm embarrassed to make that confession. Not because I'm embarrassed of Jesus, but because I'm embarrassed of all the other brothers and sisters who make the same confession but look so unlike Jesus.
When I watch the news, I'm embarrassed at what passes as "Christian" but looks so unlike Jesus.
That confession now aligns me with bullies, politicians, white privilege and even overt racism. It's hard to believe that the world -- which is now so mistreated that we can refer to parts of it as "shit holes" -- is the same world which God so loved that he died in order to prove that love.
Once, being Christian meant being humble. It meant being forgiving. It meant seeking others' gain instead of my own. Now, being Christian requires no forgiveness, no mercy, no compassion, no benevolence. Forget "turning the other cheek", too. Or "loving ones enemies".
That's because, apparently, being Christian no longer requires Jesus. It instead requires commitment to Caesar and his most recent manifestation -- "America".
Yes, I'm a Christian.
But I'm also an atheist.
There's a kind of Christianity in which I refuse to believe.
I refuse to believe in a god who asks me to be afraid of people who look, think or even worship differently than I do. I refuse to believe in a god more interested in blessing just my tribe ("America") than in blessing the world. I refuse to believe in a god who demands I use my holy book to engage in forms of hate toward anyone outside my "great" American tribe. I refuse to believe in a god who'd rather I embrace a particular flag, country or even political party for the expediency of winning. I refuse to believe in a god who would rather demand my silence instead of my prophetic voice of challenge -- particularly toward abusive powers and principalities in the world. I refuse to believe in a god who asks me to be violent in order to defend my tribe. I refuse to believe in a god when that belief sacrifices hospitality, kindness, redemption, justice, love and -- most importantly -- Grace. Those are non-negotiables.
That's what makes it difficult for me to make my confession.
But I still do.
Because I believe in -- and more importantly I believe him -- Jesus.
That probably isn't a well-kept secret.
I probably should more accurately say that I'm still a Christian.
I say that with all the humility I know. It's a confession I make with all kinds of mental and spiritual exhaustion. In fact, sometimes I'm even begrudgingly making that confession. Sometimes I'm embarrassed to make that confession. Not because I'm embarrassed of Jesus, but because I'm embarrassed of all the other brothers and sisters who make the same confession but look so unlike Jesus.
When I watch the news, I'm embarrassed at what passes as "Christian" but looks so unlike Jesus.
That confession now aligns me with bullies, politicians, white privilege and even overt racism. It's hard to believe that the world -- which is now so mistreated that we can refer to parts of it as "shit holes" -- is the same world which God so loved that he died in order to prove that love.
Once, being Christian meant being humble. It meant being forgiving. It meant seeking others' gain instead of my own. Now, being Christian requires no forgiveness, no mercy, no compassion, no benevolence. Forget "turning the other cheek", too. Or "loving ones enemies".
That's because, apparently, being Christian no longer requires Jesus. It instead requires commitment to Caesar and his most recent manifestation -- "America".
Yes, I'm a Christian.
But I'm also an atheist.
There's a kind of Christianity in which I refuse to believe.
I refuse to believe in a god who asks me to be afraid of people who look, think or even worship differently than I do. I refuse to believe in a god more interested in blessing just my tribe ("America") than in blessing the world. I refuse to believe in a god who demands I use my holy book to engage in forms of hate toward anyone outside my "great" American tribe. I refuse to believe in a god who'd rather I embrace a particular flag, country or even political party for the expediency of winning. I refuse to believe in a god who would rather demand my silence instead of my prophetic voice of challenge -- particularly toward abusive powers and principalities in the world. I refuse to believe in a god who asks me to be violent in order to defend my tribe. I refuse to believe in a god when that belief sacrifices hospitality, kindness, redemption, justice, love and -- most importantly -- Grace. Those are non-negotiables.
That's what makes it difficult for me to make my confession.
But I still do.
Because I believe in -- and more importantly I believe him -- Jesus.