I was asked to write an article for one of the local Christian magazines, particularly around the topic of men and spirituality. Beneath the fold is the article I submitted today.
Some months ago, a couple who are friends with my wife and I
approached us. They were having trouble
in their marriage. Specifically, the
trouble stemmed from his use of pornography.
To be honest, though, his struggles are more common than lots of us in
the Church’s leadership seem willing to admit.
In one study from 2007 that focused exclusively on Christian college
men, compulsive and addictive sexual behavior marked one of the major
behavioral traits. And the primary
reason that was true? Men just weren’t
getting enough content to how to think Christianly about sexuality.
In short, men were not being taught by church leaders how to think about sexuality, compulsion and
addiction. Let that sink in for a
minute.
In a world full of sexual temptation, how is it possible for
men to live the Gospel of freedom, to live in the liberty for which Christ has
set us free? How do we maintain the
Gospel’s call to integrity in all of our lives – including our social and
sexual ones?
There’s no one who doubts that integrity is important. In a world where the social (and therefore
the moral) fabric seems to be coming undone, integrity quickly becomes the
first casualty. Relationships, as I
shared with our friends that day, are built upon trust. Trust relies on honesty. And integrity is the foundation out of which
honesty grows and matures.
Among other definitions, Webster describes integrity as
“soundness of moral character”. Paul
puts it this way: “Do everything without
grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, ‘children of
God without fault in a warped and crooked generation’. Then you will shine among them like stars in
the sky 16 as you hold firmly to the word of life” (Philippians 2.14-16a).
Integrity is the basic element of Christian character. It is the first characteristic of those
welcomed into God’s presence (Psalm 15.2).
It’s also the first characteristic of a Christian leader. It’s not set by reputation or circumstances,
and it certainly isn’t based on credentials.
A man with integrity is a man who is spiritually healthy.
But here’s the thing:
That health is not accomplished alone, and certainly not in competition
with others. I think this is why
Christian integrity is so difficult for men in our culture. It grinds against everything we have been
taught about masculinity. Learning the
consistency that creates Christian integrity happens in the context of the
Church – in the context of Christian accountability and mutual interdependence. The good news is you don’t have to go it alone!
In fact, I think it’s the sin of pride to give it a try.
In North American culture, individualism and independence
reign. However, the New Testament
describes Christian community as interdependent. Interdependence involves mutual encouragement
and intimacy. Interdependent Christian
community also includes a commitment to holiness. Though our culture affirms some of the
positive benefits of community, it often balks at the uniquely Christian
commitment to holiness in community. It
sees as “cultish” communities that want members to be mutually accountable to
each other for some definite ethical standard.
It’s no surprise, then, that many churches seem to endorse a very
private pursuit of holiness. Yet the New
Testament presents a community in which the members have a mutual
responsibility to one another in their pursuit of holiness. The members of local churches – especially the
men – need to help each other grow in godliness.
When asked, “Do you want to live more and more like Jesus
every day?” the husband responded with a resounding “yes”. He cognitively knew the right answer to the
question. But why the dissonance? What was missing?
In most cases, I think it comes down to such a poor
spiritual diet. Most men live on a
spiritual diet of Doritoes and Mountain Dew – maybe four dozen sermons a year,
sprinkled with a few Sunday School lessons and maybe Wednesday night Bible
study. It’s enough to fill you, but it
certainly isn’t nutritious (a lot like a diet of Doritoes and Mountain Dew). We have been trained to share the Christian
message effectively with others, taught how to develop a regular prayer life,
and equipped to minister to those in need. We understand that many Christian activities
must occur in a corporate, or group, setting. So why do we seldom understand our growth
toward Christlikeness, our sanctification, as a communal endeavor?
The trouble, I think, is that the Church really is failing
men by failing to challenge the overarching worldly narrative of independence and
toughness as the essence of being a man.
Men then often mistakenly assume that growing in holiness is simply a
matter of either exerting personal willpower or passively expecting God to act.
But even those who understand the need
for both exerting one’s will and developing dependence on Christ still need the
encouraging support of a community of other Christians – at least that is what
Jesus and his apostles had in mind. Paul
consistently described a corporate dynamic of growth (Romans 15.14; 2 Corinthians
1.4; 1 Thessalonians 4.18; 5.11,14; 2 Thessalonians 3.11-15; Titus 1.9; 2.4,15).
Paul never imagined sanctification of
isolated individuals but always of individuals within the context of an
intimate community. For a powerful
example of the kind of community believers ought to experience, consider one of
Jesus’ final prayers on earth. In John
17.20-23, Jesus says he desires believers to have the same intimacy with one
another as he and the Father share. One
significant reason for that level of intimacy is the encouragement it provides
for growth. In that kind of supporting –
and at times correcting – community, believers help each other so that their
active living is saturated with the principles of Christian integrity.
So, guys, don’t try to go it alone. Otherwise, you’ll end where our friend
ended: Struggling against forces that
intend to shape your integrity in negative ways. And it will have disastrous effects, starting
with your own spirituality, but certainly not ending there.