One of those tasks that I'm called upon to perform, more often it seems these days, is to offer advice for those who are dating. So, here are my 13 distilled bits of wisdom based on those years of conversations.
- "Falling in love" with someone doesn't mean you should marry them. Neurologically, infatuation has a lifespan of about 12 to 18 months. Marriage is a lifetime commitment that is built on so much more.
- Marry someone you want to be married to, not someone you hope to transform. You won't change them.
- It's not enough to "love" your boyfriend or girlfriend. Do you also like them? Are they the kind of person you enjoy being around? If it wasn't for the sexual chemistry, and if you didn't feel romantically inclined toward them, would you still enjoy their company? Because that's sort of how it's going to be, in one sense or another, for the rest of your life. It's the friendship that keeps the romance alive, not vice versa. If you're trusting the romance to keep your marriage afloat, it's simply too thin and shallow.
- Lying about what you want out of marriage going in because you're afraid you'll lose the relationship if you are honest is one of the worst kinds of fraud you could ever commit. Be honest -- we all want to live in a lifelong love, not a lifelong lie.
- Here's why you want to take it slow: Time serves intentionally cultivated, intimate affection, even as it assaults infatuation. Kendra and I were engaged for 16 months and had known one another as friends for 6 years before that.
- There's nothing wrong with wanting to help someone out; there is something wrong with choosing an untrustworthy, crisis-prone person to become your spouse. If you're trying to be Superman/woman, don't expect to make a great spouse.
- Marriage is tough enough as it is without being with someone who actually enjoys conflict; think twice before marrying a contentious person.
- Marrying an unhealthy person won't usually make them healthy; it'll just cement you in an unhealthy marriage. (See #2.)
- Single women, here's the honest truth: However much your boyfriend talks to you while dating, cut that down by at least 25% after marriage. Will that be enough?
- Singles: Your best bet to make a good marriage is to find someone who already knows how to make and keep friends. I can't say this often enough: The best marriage IS friendship.
- Marriage doesn't solve emptiness, it exposes it, so marry someone who has a solid core.
- Going through with an ill-advised wedding to avoid short term pain and embarrassment is like falsely pleading guilty to murder to avoid being prosecuted for jay-walking; you've lost all sense of proportion.
- If a potential marriage partner insists on a sign from God before they get married, there's your sign. That's a good indication they're not marriage material. It means they lack necessary confidence and the ability to make decisions that are essential for a mature life and relationship.