I never set out to be me. If I were to be honest about the course of my life, I would have to admit that it's only been in the living of it that I can look back now, and begin to articulate that the things that have mattered (and matter now) aren't nearly the things I would have thought at 18 would matter. Who I am now isn't who I set out to be.
Because of Jesus.
Who I am, I am, not because I set out and made choices that landed me in this time and place. I can't say, with Ben Franklin or Fredrick Douglass, that I'm a "self made man". Because, who I am, I am, only because of Jesus.
Last night Kendra and I were talking about a few things that matter to us. We were talking about our future, and the thought of a possible job application that makes me do less, with less of the financial gain. "Would you really be okay with that?"
And without hesitation I responded, "As long as we're eating, housed, comfortable, and contributing to the lives of others, I am".
That's not something I would have set out to say all those years ago. In fact, it's an idea I have, feelings I feel, and aspirations of my life that matter, not because I chose them in an intentional way.
But because of Jesus.
That's because there are some thoughts and feelings that aren't thought and felt as a general "human" experience. In fact, now, I'm not even sure there is such a thing. Meanings are meant and discovered only through immersion in and mastery of symbols (thanks Wittgenstein). Which is to say, some meanings are inaccessible to you until you come to master the intricacies of the faith. There are some things you cannot see until you become proficient in the use of the symbols. In more conventional language, there are some things about "God" that you can never understand until you become mature in the faith, until you become a skilled follower of Jesus, until you become a saint.
The idea here is that faith -- the set of symbols and rituals -- opens up realms of meaning. And I'm still talking here about meaning in "human" experience. There are things I've learned about love, joy, peace, sacrifice, kindness, sin, reconciliation, failure, marriage, friendship, life, death and fulfillment that I could have never discovered all on my own. I'm not smart, poetic, wise or good enough. I'm sort of stupid, superficial and selfish.
So the truth about "being me" is wrapped up in learning to follow Jesus. I've kept at it year after year and decade after decade, only to realize last night, I didn't set out to be Julius McCarter.
Sometimes I've made speedy progress in following Jesus. Sometimes it's a journey of fits and starts, of detours and by-passes, of wild rabbit chases. Other times I get stuck in one place, running but still getting nowhere.
But the things about my life make sense not because of me, but because of Jesus.
And my hunch is that who I'm becoming now, still is only logical from the inside, from following after Jesus with me. Which is to say: There's more about "being me" to discover, I think, but not because I'm that interesting. It's because I'm still discovering more about Jesus.
"To become religious--no less than to become culturally or linguistically competent--is to interiorize a set of skills by practice and training" (George Lindbeck, The Nature of Doctrine). I've learnt how to feel, act and think in conformity with a religious tradition that is, in its inner structure, far richer and more subtle than can be explicitly articulated. The primary knowledge is not about the religion, nor that the religion teaches such and such, but rather how to be religious in such and such ways. Following Jesus means I can only tell my life story by telling that story.
I didn't set out to be me. Because Jesus has made more of me than I would have ever made of myself.
Lots of folks perceive me a "smart" and "competent" man. I'm never really sure what those are, because all on my own (unlike Franklin's Autobiography), my life's story isn't self-made.
The thoughts I have, the competences I demonstrate -- even the feelings and intuitions and sentiments I express -- really aren't things I've come up with. To become a Christian involves learning the story of Israel and of Jesus well enough to interpret and experience oneself and one's world in its terms.
Being Christian, I think, is all about living an external -- contrary to the ways we Americans think of such things! -- life. Jesus molds and shapes not only me, not only my "self", but also the "world" in which that "self" lives.
That's why, to the amazement of a lot of my culturally-educated friends, I keep being Christian.
There are numberless thoughts that I would be unable to think, sentiments that I could never feel, and realities that I could never perceive otherwise. My life is fuller, richer, and more meaningful as a consequence. I've loved the journey. And it's not simply been about me, figuring out what is "ultimately significant" for myself and then attaching that meaning to the word "God" (sorry, Tillich). No, rather the opposite has happened. The Christian faith has shaped me, causing me to experience things, feel things, think things, see things and do things that wouldn't have been possible if I had been left to my own existential ruminations.
I never set out to be me. But who
I am, I am only because of Jesus.
What I'm saying is that Julius McCarter isn't just filling up his life's story with a bunch of Christian symbols. Because those Christian symbols are filling up my life with meanings that I'd have never acquired on my own.
Because I follow Jesus, I've been taken to places, done things, become who I am, that I'd otherwise never have gone to, done, or become.
I never set out to become who I am.
I am who I am, because of the One I follow.