One of the pastoral tasks I'm called upon to perform on behalf of the Church, with a certain degree of regularity, are weddings. And, inevitably, since I'm a minister, that means preaching at weddings. That act leaves open a question: What to say?
Here are a few notes for a "general" sermon on marriage.
1. Why get married in a church when you can do it at a fashionable hotel, an atmospheric castle, or a sunny beach abroad?
2. Because the rumor of "God" persists, even in our post-Christian culture. While celebrity is now regarded as a career option, wealth a vocation, and cosmetic surgery the fountain of youth, nevertheless, in the wake of this ubiquitous cultural banality, some silly people will go on asking, "Is that it?" -- and sense that no, it isn't, sense that there's something more, often because in times of great joy or deep trauma -- at the birth of a child (or grandchild) perhaps, so outrageously loved, or after a dreadful diagnosis, so irretrievably wrenching -- at such times some people hear reality whisper in their ears. Christians suggest that through such "signals of transcendence" God is trying to get in touch with us. And if a couple has been so touched, and they decide that cohabitation isn't quite commitment enough, that they want to get married but feel that a civil ceremony, wherever, lacks depth, mystery, ultimacy, that "congratulations" doesn't quite cut it, that a blessing is essential, then they may ask for a church wedding, at which the minister will begin by saying, "We are gathered here in the presence of God ..."
3. So, at a Christian wedding, we gather to "do God" in a way that's counter-cultural.
4. Because we Christians think that the gospel of "following your feelings" may work for Cosmo, but it's really bad advice. It's too superficial. And that in marriage, so-called "lifestyle choices" and even careers should recede in importance, while raising children should become a sacred possibility. And the suggestion that marrying the "right person" is actually a rather silly idea, as is demonstrated by how often Mr. or Mrs. Right so often becomes Mr. or Mrs. Wrong, and is replaced by Mr. or Mrs. Even-Righter.
5. So, why get married in a church? Well, we Christians dare to think that human love is a decidedly mixed bag, being sinners and all. Lust, anxiety, lack of self-worth, cowardice, fear, recklessness, the need to control -- they're all quite real and seem, in my pastoral experience, more often than not to be the real (even if unspoken) reasons folks get married. There are other, happier ingredients, sure, though these finer impulses can wreak more havoc than the darker ones ones.
6. It's not the "chemistry", and certainly not the "heart" that makes a marriage. Mine's too crooked to be trustworthy. No, the promises. Those are what make a Christian marriage. Promises made, hoping to God that we may keep them. For, in ourselves, how can we possibly know what promising lifelong fidelity means, not just for bad but for worse? I mean, it's all very well to assume we will be faithful through flu, flab, and flatulence, but what about cancer or MS or Alzheimer's or the unemployment -- those things that shatter our precious plans, or our bank accounts into the negative? How can we make such radical promises as "until we are parted by death" when we are young, healthy, and earning?
7. If we're honest, we can make promises at a wedding only because we're the kind of people who can be held to the promises we make when we don't really know what we are in for when we make them. Only if -- only if we see that love is learned even more than it's given, that love is a skill, a practice; only if we see that love is more the result of a good relationship than the cause of it; only if we see that marriage itself creates the context in which we may discover what love really is and, in the process, who we really are. Only if we see that an enduring relationship is built on the virtues of attentiveness, patience, perseverance, and, above all, sacrifice and forgiveness, each giving more than they expect to receive. Only if we don't get so wrapped up in ourselves that we lose touch with you, our friends, the ones who will keep us sane. And only if the resources on which we draw come not only from within and without, but from above, from the God we are "doing" when we get married.
8. Seldom, very seldom, do two people unite in marriage through sheer reciprocal joy in the other's being. Usually -- sadly enough -- it's more out of some deficiency. Which puts the marriage on such negative footing to begin with, that it's little wonder to me so many get married and stay married. No, without God, I just don't think there's enough to keep a couple together. Because our hearts are so crooked, so turned in on themselves, that until God's love opens us up -- until we've experienced that genuine joy in the Great Other -- that we can share it with our spouse, until then, there's just not enough to make it work.
9. Which is why we pastors pray so much at weddings. That kind of "sheer reciprocal joy" drives us to God before it brings us together. But then over the years, that "sheer reciprocal love" between a man and a woman grows. Because it's rooted so deeply in real human lives, made real not by our love for each other, but by God's love for us all.
10. St Paul was right. How all that's true is a "great mystery". But, the reason we go to a church and make promises is because we Christians are convinced that in this simple pastoral act, God's love is revealed and joyfully celebrated (see Ephesians 5). Wonderful as a wedding day is -- we haven't seen anything yet! This marriage will show you a Real Love that'll last.