Kendra and I celebrated our Christian marriage yesterday. It is but the first celebration of daily celebrations hereafter, but I want to offer some reflections of lessons I've learnt along the way to that celebration yesterday.
Christian marriage not only creates a new family -- it unites already existing ones. Sometimes those families come with burdens that push up against the very boundaries of being Christian in ways we -- or at least I -- never appreciated until the past few weeks.
First, I must say I'm a Christian. That confession shapes and molds -- is shaped and molded by -- a number of practices, not just intellectual affirmations. Among those practices is the practice of reconciliation. "God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself" (2 Corithians 5.17). The practice of reconciliation is extending the graceful forgiveness, respect of an for the Other, kindness and humility toward those who despise and abuse us. And it's a practice that is ongoing, never finished. So I believe it is ultimately a practice grounded in hope.
That said, I've also learned there are some tensions to reconciliation that I want to highlight.
A healthy life (i.e., a life dedicated to seeking connection with God and others and open to his unfolding plan of reconciliation in Jesus Christ) is a receptive life; that is, a life in which we are open to the movement of the Holy Spirit in the moment and responsive to both the needs of others and the love they have to share with us. Sometimes that reception requires a denial -- specifically a denial of what I'll call here "toxic relationships".
What are toxic relations? In my experience they have five shared traits. (1) It seems you can't do anything right. The other person constantly puts you down as not good enough. They mock your personality, and you feel ashamed most of the time. You only feel pardoned when you take on the traits of the person doing the condemning or judging.
(2) Everything is about them and never about you. You have feelings too, but the other person won't hear them. You're unable to have a two-sided conversation where your opinion is heard, considered, and respected. Instead of acknowledging your feelings, they battle with you until they get the last word.
(3) You find yourself unable to enjoy the good moments and gifts God gives in everyday living. Everyday, with these folks, brings another challenge, no celebrations. It seems as though they are always raising gripes about you. Their attempt to control your behavior is an attempt to control your happiness.
(4) You're uncomfortable being who God in Jesus Christ has transformed and reconciled you to be. Your mind can't be the mind of Jesus -- it has to be their mind. Your face has to be their face. You must give up and shrink yourself, not for the Kingdom's sake, but for their sake.
And, (5) you're never allowed to grow and change. Whenever you aim to grow in this receptive life, they mock or respond with disbelief. They tear down instead of edify. There's no encouragement. Instead, you find yourself stuck in old judgments they've made about you, judgments that bear all the marks of sounding like God, but, in reality, being demonic. It's the old attacks of the Accuser to destroy God's good creation through lies and personal attacks.
Those who find themselves in toxic relationships -- particularly Christians -- are left wondering what to do. This has been driven home to me personally over the past couple of weeks. But it came into its clearest, starkest view yesterday. So here's what I'm thinking and advising someone today:
(1) Step out of denial. Be honest and realistic about the pain. Tell the truth about past experiences. Ask some key questions, and give some honest answers: Are you energized or drained after spending time with X? Do you want to spend time with X or do you feel like you have to? Do you feel sorry for X? Do you go to X looking for a response that you never get? Do you come away consistently disappointed by X's comments and behavior? Are you giving way more to the relationship than X?
(2) Identify the perks. Be honest. All relationships, even toxic ones, have hidden benefits. Or why would you stay in them? So identify the perks. Determine what, specifically, you are getting from this relationship.
(3) Fill the hole. The Bible consistently affirms that "it's not good for us to be alone". Taking time to maintain a strong connection with God and the people we love and who love us even when we're in toxic relations with other folks, helps us see our lives through others eyes, reminds us that help is readily available, and calls our attention to the most important things. Likewise, intimate connection with God and others fills our lives with the support needed to be honest and deal with these toxic relationships.
(4) Take what I call "time-in". Pray, regularly connect with friends, exercise self-care. We were both created and destined for intimate connection with God and others. The more we pursue these connections, the more we become Christian. That is, persons who function best when we are both working to create communities of love and pursuing intimate connection with the God who created us, sustains us, and leads us on the path to wholeness.
(5) Heal the shame. Toxic relations thrive in evil ways. That is, they aren't creating anything -- they're cancerous. They destroy by shrinking our souls, and theirs. What they demand is healing. And sometimes -- in ways I didn't appreciate until recently -- that healing may require rest from the relationship. It may even require the painful exorcising and excising cut of the Master Healer. Sometimes we need time apart -- and we have to leave how long up to God's patient healing grace. We can't force it. Sometimes the best we can do now is forgiving ourselves for the part we've played and realizing that we deserve the right kind of love and attention in order inherit God's kingdom. This doesn't mean being a doormat, though.