I've been thinking a good deal lately about the difference between what we Christians call liking and what we call loving. It seems to me there's a quantitative (and certainly a qualitative) difference here. What I see most often called loving is an expression of concern over one's ultimate destiny (whether or not I end up in hell) but very little about the heavier matters of general good-will, concern and respect in daily life.
And it's not only hard for me to understand the distinction. It makes defending the faith for those on the outside really laughable. Why be Christian when there are kinder, gentler people outside the fold?
"I'm called to love you, but I don't have to like you", I hear some of us say. And I have to wonder what that even means.
Christians talk a great deal about feeling loved by God. Rarely do they speak of being liked by God. In a similar way, Christians claim to love the world, if only as a goal. But I've never heard a Christian say he was called by God to like people. Why is that?
Behind the word like I hear astonishing gentleness. Love, on the other hand, nearly has a forceful reusing tone to it, in the Christian's mouth. In the word like, I hear about extraordinarily unbothered, non-emergency power. It's the power of liking that is the sign of a power which couldn't be in greater contrast with the power of the satanic. A power so gentle and so huge that we are not able to be afraid. In the midst of the false manufacturing of meaning and frightening power displayed by the satanic, we are being taught that our being liked and held in being is at the hands of something infinitely more powerful, infinitely restful, and we can live without fear. What is being revealed is the power of Jesus. "Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom."
As we take on the "mind of Christ", I think we also take his heart and eyes (Philippians 2). What we must learn as disciples is to like all of creation -- express a simple delight and joy in it -- rather than this passive-aggressive, judgmental spirit that sounds more like the Accuser than the Reconciler.
So here's the question I want to ask folks who say things like, "I'm called to love you, not like you" ...
How does Christian liking relate to Christian loving?
My sense is that Christians would see liking and loving the way we see it play out in family relationships. That is, while we are called to love everybody we don't feel called to like everybody. In fact, I've heard Christians describe Christian love in just those terms: You have to love him, but you don't have to like him.
But that makes no sense to me. Here's why.
Liking seems to be the lower bar when compared to love. Love seems to be the harder and deeper of the two. But if that's the case, how does that jibe with the common notion that "You have to love them but you don't have to like them"? Are we saying that you have to do this really hard thing but that you don't have to do this easy thing? Seems like if you've already done the heavy lifting of loving then liking should be pretty easy.
What's more, the common refrain "You have to love them but you don't have to like them" seems to suggest that liking is, in fact, much harder than loving. But that seems backwards, that liking is the higher calling. Isn't love, rather than liking, supposed to be the chief manifestation of Christian agape?
And as I ponder this, it occurs to me that something similar occurs with the Christian notions of kindness and love. Generally speaking, we think of kindness as the easier of the two. Kindness is superficial while love is deep. And yet, Christians say they love people while acting unkind to them. We pull our games out of our hats -- being jerks or being passive-aggressive or being judgmental -- even as we say we love others. Again it seems like, in practice, actual kindness is harder than loving. In fact, imagine asking the world to pick one of the following:
A. That Christians become more kind.I think the world picks A. Every time. The world has seen plenty of Christian "love". What they'd really like to see is a little more kindness. Heck, as a fellow Christian I've seen plenty of "love", and been reminded of that verse from 1 John 4.20 ("Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen").
B. That Christians become more loving.
This is why I think liking is gentler in comparison to love. It's why I've maintained for some time that Christians should worry more about kindness and less about love.
Love seems to privilege the big stuff, often at the expense of the smaller stuff. And I think something like this has happened to Christians. When Christians say they "love" the world what they mean by this is that they are concerned about a person's ultimate destiny (are they going to heaven or hell?). This is the big stuff. But in pursuing this big stuff (what amounts to a "rescue operation" on an eternal scale) Christians often trample the small things, such as kindness and liking. Straining at making sure who's a sheep at who's a goat, we miss the bigger call of Jesus to be kind to others, and that such kindness is his criterion for judgement (Matthew 25).
So we're left in an interesting predicament these days. A reversal has occurred. Theoretically, we tend to think of kindness and liking as easy and superficial in contrast to a Christian love which is costlier and deeper. But in practice perhaps the reverse has become true. Perhaps Christian love, as it is commonly expressed, has become cheap, easy, and superficial while kindness and liking require the hard work and sacrifice. Maybe the hard things are easy and the easy things are hard. Maybe love isn't agape anymore. Maybe liking is.
(This wouldn't surprise me. Jesus is all the time turning this upside down.)
Maybe the most Christian thing we can do is be kind and gentle. Maybe the most Christian thing we can do is like others.